JOHN EGBERT 

- He kins blue, or basically has a theme of blue as I can see from his tracksuit

- He doesnt like his dad?? I don’t think??? So he has daddy issues??

- I think there’s a trans thing about him which is real dope, saw something on Twitter about it

- The game makes him have wind powers so he’s essentially Aang

- Big Nerd, likes games, computers and mullets since I think he grows one in the future or smth

- His uncle is Obama

ROSE LALONDE

- She has the most fanart from what I’ve seen so I am guessing she is a favourite to either draw or in general and I support

- Ah yes, kins the colour purple

- H.P Lovecraft enthusiast, I am just waiting for her to summon some demons in Homestuck and every one of her friends goes through the trials and defeats of their own inner minds that they cannot escape nor control. And yes I am referring to Inception. Because wouldnt that be dope?

- She’s either preppy or goth and everything is pointing to both at the same time

- A probable lesbian with the other lesbian character

- Also mommy issues, I’m pretty sure

- Alcoholism? oh shit is that alcohol? Isn’t she supposed to be like 12?

- In conclusion, she’s Stella from Winx Club, idk same vibes not that I’m suggesting Stella from Winx Club is an alcoholic lesbian with mommy issues tho

DAVE STRIDER

- Oh god its him, its the one everyone fucking loves

- I feel if I don’t end up liking him, I’ll be shunned by the fandom and sacrificed for fun

- Man, I just tried looking up some images of ONLY dave but apparently his page differs from everybody else because he’s made into fanart with…. wait let me count

- 5 people, Jesus christ, he’s shipped with 5 people? He gets around, ig

- If he’s not at least bisexual, I’m not sure what the author is doing with themselves

- Giving me douche vibes but I’m pretty sure he’s just chill

- So he also kins a colour since I don’t see one image where he DOESNT have some sort of red on him which is valid, red is cool

- I’m pretty sure I ironically bought a shirt with that symbol on it without realizing it could have most certainly been a Homestuck shirt

JADE HARLEY

- She’s a furry

- She’s like a ray of sunshine, I don’t think I’ve seen one picture in which she is either frowning or angry…. this is concerning, is she okay? Or is she genuinely happy 24/7? Because let me tell you, nobody is and this is Homestuck which I heard has death at some point I think, so RIP Jade Harley I bet you she just snaps and becomes this badass who doesn’t think anything is funny anymore whilst being a furry.

- Wait, scratch that, I found one frown and she’s talking to a 69 now that’s also an issue who wants to willingly choose 69 as a symbol on their shirt, I say, as I scribble my first fan-kid into typing only using 69′s in place of binary.

- She likes to wield guns and overall fight people, you know what I respect this furry, she is cool

- Okay so while looking at pics I found an MLP Homestuck character and I’m not too sure I’m in the right section anymore

- So she’s also a witch, wow, she has a lot of hobbies, oh god thats a lot are those puppets?

- Okay so her infobox has Big game trophies, mummies, rude trolls for things she hates and that is.. such an odd thing out of context. Like I’m sure I’ll understand it one day but goddamn. Mummies? Honestly hun, same tho.

JANE CROCKER

- Spork rights, I will die on this discourse by saying they should be legal

- Oh wait Jane, she’s uh I forgot what she did in the Lore but she was with Jake at some point

- So either her skin elongates along with her glasses or her eyes are just fake and are only an image on the lenses themselves

- Wow do people love drawing her as a busty MILF, what kind of crack are you all on? How old is she? 

- SHES 16?

- Oh so she’s like? John’s older sister? Huh… okay seems like her dad is also John’s dad, but I’m guessing he married someone, had Jane, then divorced, married someone else and had John which explains the difference in last names. 

- Wow I think I like her she just seems to like baking and pranks, thats like 100% more entertaining than whats being shown on Youtube these days

ROXY LALONDE

- Im not too sure why she’s appearing some underwear in this shot, but I found it and decided to post this as her picture because its confusing the hell out of me

- But hey, her Robin Hood get-up looks nice

- Okay so she and Rose both have addictions to alcohol, great

- And they are both… sisters?

- Older sister, she’s 16

- Oh, she’s a cat girl for sure

- Im not sure what else to say about her, but she sure does seem fun

DIRK STRIDER

- Its my guy, he’s my favourite after the convo with the Discord

- Disaster gay

- Orange is my favourite colour too, you are valid Dick Slider

- So he’s basically Kamina with the glasses, huh? Not fooling anyone, Homestuck. I saw the images.

- He looks like a wreck in any relationship and I respect this dude because same

- He’s Dave’s brother, I can see that, and what would you know? He’s also 16. I see a trend here. Not gonna lie, at 16 this was probably my type of guy to fall for, even with the apparent train wreck of a personality. I had a fat crush on Kamina is all.

- He has katanas, why am I not surprised, Kamina Dick Slider

JAKE ENGLISH

- Oh its Jake from the lore

- God does fanart make him buff

- He also likes guns

- And is half naked all the time?

- Where are his pants?

- Oh, I see, Roxy stole his pants is that the joke?

- God, there’s like nothing else lol what? are his only personality traits being buff, having guns while being half naked, and running? cmon guys. That can’t be it.

- It is wow

- The Lore did better than this

KARKAT VANTAS

- Ah, so he’s the 69

- Its the Karkat, wow, have I seen you around Tumblr

- Oh boy while Jade resonates sunshine energy, Karkat resonates a land mine god he looks so fucking angry

- Someone just told me he’s the Homestuck version of Bakugou Katsuki and I agree

- Apparently he goes looking like a gremlin to cute asf according to these images on google and I’m not too sure what the fandom’s view of him is considering that is such a contradictory perception, I just know people like him

- He likes his sickle a lot, I take it

- Ive never seen a character representing feral energy in its entirety before but Karkat is here to disprove that

ARADIA MEGIDO

- Idk much about her but the kangaroo ram anteater behind her is giving me very pleasant vibes. Sparks joy.

- She has ghost powers or something, like a necromancer. Damn, wait, is she?

- Like Dave, she too has a colour kin to red. They also have the same outfit with the gear symbol. Are they trying to match? Yes. Are they killing it? Yes.

- Okay the ram horns make sense, she’s “ram” in the zodiac bullshit, right?

- In some places she has white eyes and in others she has regular yellow eyes (as if saying that is normal) and I’m not sure but maybe she gets white eyes when trying to summon the dead.

- She seems like a very nice character and I kinda dig her for it.

TAVROS NITRAM

- I first saw a buff picture of him and then apparently everyone lied to me and he’s actually a twink so idk what to think about Tavros

- Tho I do know he dates Gamzee? And they’re together?

- Okay he just seems precious, what the fuck, looks like the character who probably gets the least shit possible from the fandom because he would do absolutely nothing wrong

- Also he’s a gamer, so he’s automatically both oppressed and a god to every platform available but Facebook.

- Robot legs?? Goddamn. What a king

- Do I like his horn? Yes.

- Do Iike HIM? Yes. No more questions.

Goddamn right he could be.

SOLLUX CAPTOR

- Nevermind when I said Tavros looked like the gamer, this kid defeats all norms

- Okay but what the fuck does that even mean?

- I can’t get over his hair, what the fuck is it?

- Who is this?

- Blink your matrix pill looking eyes twice if you need help, Sollux.

NEPETA LEIJON

- Ah yes, you can’t be a 2009 comic without including a cat girl.

- I know they are best friends with the guy with too many u’s in his name but the server calls him saggy tits

- Okay she’s kind of adorable

- She’s shipped with Terezi I think?

- And I am pretty sure she is stanned by a lot of people on Tumblr since she fits perfectly to the cat aesthetic that some strive to have

- While she does look cute, the wolverine claws are definitely a more feral vibe

…Huh? what the fuck does teletubbies have to do with a cat girl in Homestuck? And who is Oswald? Another troll?

KANAYA MARYAM

- So she’s the fashion icon, I take it

- And… a vampire? Well I’m not going to lie to you, even if I do have a sister, I have never watched Twilight. So if you expect me to know anything about it, then thats on you and not me.

- Ah, so she and Rose are a thing of course. Lesbians. I smelled it a mile away.

- She is uh

- She likes chainsaws?

- Idk nobody told me much about her except that shes a lesbian lol I mean fair

TEREZI PYROPE

- Deadass? I thought at first these were just her eyes and not glasses and I was about to up her on the ranks of “best of the best” 

- So she likes to interrogate? Thats interesting.

- She’s the one who people ship with Nepeta

- Aaand I remember her from a convo with my sister’s gf about her horns I think

- The server is obsessed with Terezi, they have all right to be

- Know what else is interesting? Apparently she hangs her stuffed animals out the window and I strive to be that chaotic as a child

- God she fights with her walking stick? Goddamn respect, I’m gonna guess she’s blind then

- Apparently she licks things to see? Power move.

- She has the biggest dick energy I’ve ever seen

VRISKA SERKERT

- Does she even need a take on her character? I’ve heard the discourse, I probably read it unknowingly before, I know how she works.

- I was shat on because I said Undertale’s Megalovania was from the game, and a Homestuck came up to me like “pussy, its Vriska” so yknow

- But I will sum up what the discourse said:

- She killed a few people, some are mad. But apparently others are apologists because of her upbringing and importance to the comic. And how she solves a big problem at some point to help others? But then she also killed, so yknow. I have no idea what to say about her until I read it, so I’ll keep this post fucking absent of opinion before I get mauled by hungry and starved Vriska discoursers.

EQUIUS ZAHHAK

- BRUH WTF IS THIS

- Who the fuck uses this as the first image after searching for his name YOU ABSOLUTE BASTARDS

- So this was probably the worst thing to happen so far and I havent even started. Fucking goddamnit.

- So this is saggy tits, he was the first character I was introduced to on the server. Best friends with Nepeta, the diamond thingy.

- God great just fantastic

- But imagine I didnt see this, then I would assume he just loved being strong and playing with his bow and arrow. I saw a few pieces of fanart, and his dad … his dad is hot lemme just tell you

- Man.. fuck. Did he trip? Is that how he died?

- Well at least I don’t know when this happens.

GAMZEE MAKARA

- Well youre crazy

- Or either you just got hurt, and you’re just trying to assure everyone that “I’m fine it doesnt hurt” in which case, of course, Gamzee. You look just fine.

- But I still think you’re a little crazy.

- And a clown (though probably a juggalo by the looks of things)

- Apparently clowns rule the government so hey, got that going for yourself

- I first thought he had a cow theme but was corrected of course

- This is a fave character of a few people, I think, while the others.. don’t like him? Understandable. Idk where I stand though.

- But I did read smth cursed on his character which I will not say bc even if I suggest this blog to be 18+, there’s still limits

- He also likes juggling

- Obviously what else did I expect from that? That he liked politics instead?

- And I think he drinks too goddamn it, theyre all alcoholics

- Someone is very passionate about making Gamzee seem less of a crazy troll but hey, I’d read that if I didn’t want to be spoiled more

ERIDAN AMPORA

- Okay who told you it was okay to ride a seahorse and hold a gun in the middle of a thunder storm while also being a fish who resembles that one guy from Danganronpa?

- A loser is what lol

- Nah real question, how are you even holding onto the seahorse? Like I get the saddle and the ropes, but the way its placed just seems like you can slip off at any given moment.

- Also people are putting him in dresses, idk if thats his interest or just a thing the fandom likes to do

- Honestly you never know tbh

- He’s literally just a hipster fish I’m not sure what else there is to say

- He gives douchebag energy? Is that what you want?

- Man, one of the tags on the search just says “Sad” are you okay fish Eridan? Do you want to talk about it?

- Oh and his brother Cronus? I just watched a video of him dancing shirtless and I haven’t been the same since

FEFERI PEIXES

- She can breath underwater, I can see that

- She also looks like she’s cute but hiding her trident behind her back ready to stab a bitch, probably thinking you won’t see the blatant weapon

- Thats what the evil look is for

- Maybe she’s that “im kind until ill stab ya” kinda gal

- Yknow, the usual

- I do like her skirt though, I think she’s the most colourful here. Everyone else is emo, especially Karkat

- Aw the squid in the back is cute tho

- Also why are you swimming with clothes and shoes in the first place? They waterproof?

- Idk much about her. Like there’s nothing at all. Why is there minimal info and art of this one lol?

“DAD” EGBERT

- Hes the one who fucks, right?

- Because he’s Jane and John’s dad but has been through two relationships to get both offsprings? Yeah

- Doesnt John hate him because of some reason???????? And he causes daddy issues???

- Idk how to feel about him but I sorta want to like him lol

“MOM” LALONDE

- She has gun

- Wow she’s kinda cool, I like her scarf and her gun

- She looks like she can fuck shit up

- So she’s Roxy and Rose’s mom?

- Nice

“BRO” STRIDER

- Okay so I saw some fanart of this guy and I said “hot” and apparently that was a bad thing because he’s an asshole lol?

- But the fanart was sexy and tbh if he’s only viewed as an artistic rendition of Thirst what a fucking mood

- Idk what he did really but I know my sister hates him

- And so does the server, but a few agreed he’s hot so idk

- He’s dave and dirk’s brother??? Right??

- But he has no face so he’s the irrelevant brother lol

- Oh god what are those?

- Why does he have dildo puppets?

“NANNA” SPRITE

- OH, she’s the sprite thing. I know there’s another cat sprite thing as well.

- Shes the Navi, right?

- She’s also John’s grandma???

- And I can see Jane, so she’s talking with Jane, which I’m guessing it’s also HER grandma too??? Since same dads and all, dad fucks all I’m sayin

- She likes baking? and pranks? Wow I can see where jane got her interests from.

“GRANDPA” HARLEY

 - Grandpa mmmh

- I was told Grandpa sucks and he’s also called Jake so we don’t like him ig but we like the OTHER Jake?? Yeah thats what I was taught

- I mean look he’s basically using his gun to blow up land idk what the fuck he’s thinking. Maybe he sets fire to forests on purpose. Maybe he’s a pyromaniac. Who fucking knows.

- He looks like he can hurt you idk

- Oh, he’s the guy who hunts people for sport I see

Basically to sum up:

- John, Rose, Dave, Jade: main characters

- Dirk, Roxy, Jane, Jake: siblings, so like side characters that follow along with them at some point

- Bro, Nanna, Mom, Dad, Grandpa: side-side characters of main characters, basically family members who probably arent important bc the author couldnt be bothered to give them a face

- Karkat, Terezi, Kanaya, Nepeta god okay just all the trolls: sorta important because I see them everywhere and I think theyre introduced later on in the story in a second session of the game

- Equius: dead rip

Ah John Egbert, we meet at last on the very first page of Homestuck. Who knew this would be the case?

Im pretty sure this is a national holiday now.

Its John Egbert, god please give me harder questions next time.

His whole room is not actually white because its in some sort of art style, but, rather, he just wanted a white coloured theme. Why? Because I said so.

John, putting on his white shoes, shirt and pants: Dad? Can we paint the floor and walls white? And buy myself all the white Ikea furniture we can find? And from now on, I want you to call me John Eggwhites, if thats okay.

Dad Egbert, visibly shaking: W-why?

Just say you like Cats (2019) and get over it, no reason to be subtle, John.

This sums up every gamer I know, myself included. Can’t believe Homestuck cracked the code, that we all secretly want to become magicians when we’re older. Thank fuck the government is still in the dark about it.

Okay so the characters have detachable limbs, that makes more sense than it should in the Homestuck universe.

Oh, I see, it’s a “game” in which we are playing “as” John. That explains the second person narrative and the commands at the bottom of the page. Cool take, but how long will it last before one of the commands says “>Kill John” and the reader physically restrains themselves from clicking on the command?

God, the amount of times I get shit for eating food on my bed and here John is, flexing on us that he can eat cake on his own whenever he wants. 

Well that was anti-climactic for my limb detaching theory. 

So are these things supposed to be that one trick in which you say “nice to meet you” while holding out your hand so the reciprocate can shake it, but then the arm comes off, you laugh while they scream in terror for “accidentally amputating you”? Yeah because I’m not even sure John could even fit that arm inside his sleeve. So what purpose do these hands have if not that?

It’s probably Homestuck’s synonym for “inventory” that, us, the player, can use for John whenever he wants to grab things. Not that hard.

Seems about right for a 13 year old’s chest. 

Right, of course. Because John is not just “skilled and cunning” he is the expert in all things magic.

Oh, is it supposed to be ironic that he is saying “I’m not good at magic” but then gets magic powers from the game? I sometimes feel as if I shouldn’t have browsed images for his name and rather kept to what I knew instead. 

Ah, yes, just in case I was blind and couldn’t see the image.

Just turned 13, and he’s already goddamn smoking. This is what Homestuck does to you.

4 slots for an inventory? Now thats just depressing, fuck you.

God what is this supposed to mean now? That I can’t captchalogue 2 items at the same time? My arms and smoke pellets are not compatible together? You can’t access it anymore because you’re almost at max slot capacity?

There was literally no need for you to use such eloquent words to explain that “equip is not the right terminology” but hey, if you graduated with an english major, brag about it any chance you get. 

(I’m assuming the author graduated with an english major).

God what am I even fucking reading anymore?

Something we can both agree on, then.

And they said Picasso was the most appreciated modern artist, if so then explain this? That’s what I fucking thought.

God, I feel as if I click on this, it’ll bring me to a site for horny MILFs near you.

What the fuck kind of merch is barbeque sauce?

I am guessing this is “Dad Egbert” then. Also, do you think this is the only one, or he hid a thousand of these babies around his room considering the first one was not given to John in person, but left on the side table in his room.

Dad Egbert just sprayed it on because he doesn’t need a signature when you have your own scent.

He does the same with official documents and the government are pissed with the guy.

Well I wonder what it could fucking be if not a Cats (2019) poster considering that is indeed John’s guilty pleasure.

Well aint that convenient, I do remember there being a hammer and nails in the room so I can already predict our next move. How crazy is that?

Well fuck me sideways.

It magically gives you another slot because I’m still pissed about there being only fucking 4 to fill.

Huh. You know what, this could actually be useful.

Imagine this, John Egbert, a gun. But its your sylladex. Pow pow.

Lucky for you that each nail didn’t take space in your sylladex and instead grouped itself together nicely. 

Uh… I say do it anyways?

I was so busy being used to the clicking, I didn’t fully read what this had said and I had to take a sec because what the fuck?

K. So I understand why people don’t want to be associated with Homestuck anymore if not for the fandom. It was for the shitting desks! Who knew!

You know what beckons me? Probably having not driven at 4 am yesterday morning for Nothing.